...About Sensitivity

The days are going by really quick. At least they are for me.
I feel like I have something to do everyday, whether it be for school, FESA, the engagement, with family, Ronnie, teaching and now work, and everything else. I don't mind the busy work. I like staying busy. It can get stressful, but that's life. I get stressed but I get over it with time. After a while it doesn't become such a big deal.

However, I find that things in my household are changing. And when I say 'things' I really mean emotions. Ever since I made my relationship official with Ronnie I find all the time I spend with family, all the moments we share, all the events we go to and celebrations become more meaningful. This is because in a few months time things will be completly different for my family and for the house simply because I will not be living at home anymore. So we have become real senstivie of our surroundings and the things that we share.

For example, I showed my father my grad photos when I received them. Of course I wanted to get his input on what I should get. I joined him on the couch and sat beside him and showed him the pics. He took a look at the first one, looked at me, looked back at the pic and back at me, and got real teary eyed. I mean, he was going to cry. And I know that if I stayed there with him and cried as well (which was what I was about to do) he would have begun to ball. Instead I told my father not to cry and then got up and left. I know that seems so odd for me to do. Even Ronnie told me I should have hugged him. But I couldn't. I would have totally lost it. I think my father would have been overwhelmed with the photos either way, but its different when you know that the grad photos don't only represent the end of your schooling, but also the end of my living at home. After all, once I convocate I am outta here to Lebanon to get married. So they just make things more emotional.

New Years was emotional as well. I hugged my father for a long time, and I cried when i hugged my mom....and basically cried when i hugged everyone else...well, almost. lol. But you know what I mean. Next year I might not be there to celebrate with them, for the FIRST time EVER. I have ALWAYS been with family for New Years, no excuses. Next year, who knows.

We took my mom out for her 50th Birthday on Sunday (hence why I wasn't with you folks...but you still could have called when you went to D's house!! ;) ) and when we surprised her with cake and sang to her she cried. This usually doesn't happen. I tried to just laugh it off and took silly pics with her, but I got teary eyed still.

I know you guys think I am so insensitive from my reactions to all these emotional outbursts, but its not that I am that way. I just don't know how to handle it. I am not sure why. It's almost like I don't want them to be sad and try to get their mind away from the fact that I am leaving, so I laugh it off. Or...I walk away....

After talking to D one day I came to realize how hard this must be on my parents.
I am super close with my father. Let's face it, I am 'daddy's little girl', and I mean that in the least bratty way possible. But it's true. I am the only girl of three boys. Of course I am going to have a special relationship with my dad.
As for my mother, I realize now that once I am gone she will be the only female in the household, left to take care of everything. And what I mean by that is she will be left to solve all the problems on her own and try to handle all these situations by herself. I back my mom up all the time with this. And my role in the house is a neutral one, where I listen and try to help solve things. I won't be there anymore to do that. Weird....
As for my brothers....well, I am their only sis. Enough said.

I know I said this before, but it's interesting how things change. All for the better of course. And I also just realized that my family will be moving to our new home without me. I mean I MAY be there for a month or two but after that I am gone. So it really does feel like we are each starting a new life in a new home.

I know this message is really long....so I can't bother D anymore for writing long posts. But it's just something I needed to express. Maybe because I just came back from having coffee with my cousin for 3 hours. Who knows.

I hope I didn't bore you though. And I don't blame you if you didn't read it all. lol.